Couples Therapy

Relationships can be a source of happiness, growth, and meaning. They can also be a major source of stress! Couples therapy helps individuals to improve the quality of their relationship or end their relationship more gracefully.

How is couples therapy different from individual therapy?

In individual therapy, the individual is my client. In couples therapy, the relationship is my client. This means that while I may temporarily align with one partner to see the world from their perspective, I will also seek out the other partner's perspective and then refocus on the relationship. This also means that I do not meet with one partners separately after the intake phase of therapy is complete: getting closer to one partner could shift me from being the advocate for the relationship to being on one person's "side." 

In couples therapy, I act more as a referee for interactions and communication. In the early phase of treatment, this often means pausing and slowing down interactions to clarify what's happening for each partner. While slowing down can be frustrating to some people, it makes room for self reflection and change, as opposed to automatically doing what you have done before, which is most likely contributing to relational challenges. As couples feel more comfortable engaging with each other with less support and intervention, I speak less to give you more room to practice skills and build confidence for communicating about difficult topics and connecting effectively without me. 

Many couples wait too long

If you are considering couples therapy, I would encourage you to start sooner rather than later if at all possible. In my experience, many people wait until their relationship is in severe distress to start couples therapy. I have witnessed multiple couples end their relationship between initially contacting me and scheduling an appointment. Couples therapy is much less likely to be effective if it is a last resort.

When couples therapy is useful

• In preparation for a major change (e.g., marriage, moving in together, the birth of a child, last child going to college, retirement)

• When navigating a major stressor that's impacting the relationship (any of the above, parenting, mental/physical health challenges in one or both partners, children with additional needs, clashes related to differences in upbringing/values, decisions with profound consequences, infidelity, lack of emotional or physical intimacy)

• When communication and interactions regularly feel taxing or detract from the relationship quality (most likely because communication is contemptous, critical, defensive, or exclusionary, which is associated with increased likelihood of relationship failure)

• When distance has grown and intimacy decreased between partners and attempts to bridge this gap have met with limited success

Who isn't a fit for couples therapy?

Couples therapy is not appropriate for relationships where instrumental interpersonal violence is present. This is a form of violence perpetrated against one individual by the other that is used as a means of control or coercion and is often part of a pattern of other abusive and controlling behaviors. In this case, individual therapy focused on the safety of the abused partner is the appropriate treatment. I also provide referrals for couples where non-instrumental interpersonal violence is present. This violence is typically caused by dysregulation, such as a couple under the influence of alcohol getting into a shoving match. My couples therapy training is in relationships without physical violence. I also will provider referrals to couples who are wanting a third party to evaluate their relationship or parenting, as in divorce or custody proceedings, as that is the job of a psychologist in an assessment role, as opposed to a treatment role.